Yet again, I can't sleep. And I am stressing over stupid little things, like the fact that I have to go to the next village to pay my electric bill... all I have to do is call a cab, or that I have to set up my projects that I'm so excited for... I can just talk to the non-profit center and the girls that want to participate and it'll all be set up. Even though I rationalize all these little things, I feel stress.
And then I realize my problem. I suddenly understand what real loneliness feels like.
I never really knew in the States. I liked to be alone. I craved my alone time. Not to say that I didn't love hanging out with friends, but an evening alone never disturbed me.
But here, somehow I've changed. If I don't visit or have a good phone conversation I feel like I'm completely and utterly alone. It's disturbing for me to feel like this considering I always defined myself by my independence... and I realize that humans are "social creatures" but what has happened to me?
Maybe it's that I've always had a roommate and now suddenly I don't. Maybe it's that I'm the only foreigner for miles. Maybe it's that I haven't had an English conversation face-to-face in 2 weeks. Or maybe it's that I haven't seen any of the volunteers I'm closest to in a that long.
But I'm excited for the holiday coming up! Eid al-fitr... it ends Ramadan... I'm going to visit my host family in Mafraq and then hopefully see my friends over the weekend :)
In reality what I need to do is buckle-down and get to work... This has been a lazy month and it's time to actually get some projects started!
And now for round 2 of trying to sleep...
This makes me sad. When you were telling me about Ramadan, I was thinking that it sounded isolating/lonely. Sending big hugs, me
ReplyDeleteThere were some fantastic evenings... it was fun to hang out with my neighbors until late, eating breakfast and just chatting. It was nice to really bond with them... but during the day I had nothing to do and too much time to think. and the days went slowly. It's all an adjustment process. and next Ramadan, I'll be better prepared (and maybe just take off for the whole thing :) )
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